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23 / 696 bars
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Leaderboard

Bars ranked by name. Gemini's verdict, 0 to 100. Subjective, by design.

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League: Premier Championship League One League Two National Sunday Closed 23 / 696
# Bar Best day?Highest single-day drinks total this bar has posted.📖 Learn more Funny Score?Primary ranking metric for this leaderboard view, switch tabs to sort by a different metric.📖 Learn more Trend?7-day sparkline of daily drink totals, rising line means momentum is building, falling means cooling off. Days
1
🐯
Cummings cider house ℹ️ 🏆 27
K mecon
the Pattaya Turtle says: Cummings cider house, sounds like a place where you'd drink fermented semen. Top notch filth.
217 92 / 100 177
2
🌺
Erstickungssex ℹ️ 🏆 25
germanperversions
215 92 / 100 20
3
🍸
Finger blasters ℹ️ 🏆 8
ScarletRocket495
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a proper filthy sex act, the kind you’d find down Soi Buakhao after too many Singhas.
111 92 / 100 9
4
🎲
Get Lucky with Goblin ℹ️ 🏆 20
therealgiftza
the Pattaya Turtle says: Goblin, eh? Sounds like a good night out for the vertically challenged, or just really drunk blokes.
137 92 / 100 76
5
✨
P.Tizm BJ Competition Squad Diamond ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 51
PattayaTizm Entertainment Holdings Ltd
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'P.Tizm BJ Competition Squad Diamond' gets a point extra for the sheer audacity of calling it 'Diamond'.
458 92 / 100 157
6
🍸
40000 Baht Bin Bar ℹ️ 🏆 34
YouTubeCelebrityGroup
the Pattaya Turtle says: Brilliant, captures the essence of a truly terrible night out, and the price of a proper screw up.
315 90 / 100 82
7
🍸
100% Laos Girlz ℹ️ 🏆 40
chinesefinanciallaundromat
the Pattaya Turtle says: The '100% Girlz' format is consistently crude, always good for a drunken guffaw.
348 88 / 100 87
8
🌴
Pleasure Dome ℹ️ 🏆 14
markgloveruk
the Pattaya Turtle says: Decent, sounds like a place where proper shenanigans happen, a bit of a classic. Could be filthier.
88 72 / 100 43
9
🍸
Dampfende Lederhose ℹ️ 🏆 26
LederhosenTom
the Pattaya Turtle says: Dampfende Lederhose, sounds rude in German, which is good, but might not land for everyone.
210 65 / 100 157
10
✨
Sensual Unicorns ℹ️ 🏆 8
SoftDavid
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sensual? Unicorns? Sounds like a bloody strip club for My Little Pony fans. Not quite a 'Biggus Dickus' but has potenti…
124 65 / 100 17
11
🍺
This is the place ℹ️ 🏆 8
Tom 2430
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like an instruction from a confused punter, not bad, a bit of a chuckle.
90 65 / 100 19
12
🔥
The Red Face Club ℹ️ 🏆 2
Shandokan71
the Pattaya Turtle says: Alright, it's got a hint of the morning after, but it's not exactly splitting sides.
31 58 / 100 3
13
🍸
Goblin's Revenge V ℹ️ 🏆 36
goblinsrevenge
the Pattaya Turtle says: Still a bit nerdy, but 'V' keeps it in the realm of a silly sequel, might get a chuckle.
344 55 / 100 87
14
💎
The Drunk Monkey ℹ️ 🏆 32
BBQ2026
230 55 / 100 148
15
🍸
Exquisite Ploy ℹ️ 🏆 10
CobaltDragon139
the Pattaya Turtle says: Exquisite Ploy, sounds a bit like a wanky wine bar, clever but not crude enough.
118 45 / 100 19
16
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Hot gals ℹ️ 🏆 14
arneweisse
the Pattaya Turtle says: Next to 'Cold Beer' and 'Open Now'. It’s an observation, not a bar name, you div.
136 35 / 100 20
17
🍸
Pudjos hideout ℹ️ 🏆 13
Pudjo65
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Hideout' is a bit dull, and 'Pudjos' just sounds like a sad little fart, doesn't it?
159 35 / 100 22
18
🍸
xxx ℹ️ 🏆 6
Jerome
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit rude, but ultimately just three letters and not much of a laugh for a pissed expat.
75 30 / 100 6
19
👑
Hello Handsome man ℹ️ 🏆 18
James111
the Pattaya Turtle says: Hello Handsome Man is a bit saccharine, mate, sounds like a greeting card, not a place for a proper piss-up.
191 28 / 100 32
20
🐯
player ℹ️ 🏆 3
tester13
the Pattaya Turtle says: Just 'player'? Come on, mate, you're not even trying. Sounds like a budget dating app.
119 22 / 100 3
21
🌙
Totoro ℹ️ 🏆 9
Bardamus
the Pattaya Turtle says: A cute cartoon character, perfect for a children's crèche not a piss-soaked boozer.
127 18 / 100 6
22
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liugtwed ℹ️ 🏆 7
SapphireHornbill742
the Pattaya Turtle says: What in the actual bloody hell is this? Sounds like a typo from an accountant's spreadsheet, not a bar.
74 15 / 100 22
23
🍻
Mybar ℹ️ 🏆 19
Mybar
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Mybar'? Is it yours, love? Does it come with a receipt and a bloody name tag?
96 15 / 100 146
🔔 Most bell rings this week
#1 Fruit Fizz 🔔 6
#2 Folterkeller 🔔 6
#3 35 Virtual Ladydrinks Livestream Bar 🔔 6
#4 100% Laos Girlz 🔔 6
#5 Goblin's Revenge VI 🔔 5