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51 / 696 bars
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Bars ranked by name. Gemini's verdict, 0 to 100. Subjective, by design.

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League: Premier Championship League One League Two National Sunday Closed 51 / 696
# Bar Best day?Highest single-day drinks total this bar has posted.📖 Learn more Funny Score?Primary ranking metric for this leaderboard view, switch tabs to sort by a different metric.📖 Learn more Trend?7-day sparkline of daily drink totals, rising line means momentum is building, falling means cooling off. Days
1
🐯
The Purple Pussy ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 41
DiscoStu
the Pattaya Turtle says: Pure filth, straight to the point. Every drunk expat will piss himself laughing at this one.
427 98 / 100 63
2
🏆
Pink Taco ℹ️ 🏆 19
DiamondOrchid424
the Pattaya Turtle says: Now that's a classic, a proper giggle. Sounds like something you'd get after a few too many Changs and a bad decision.
129 95 / 100 13
3
🍸
2 Girls1Cup1Straw6Indians ℹ️ 🏆 29
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: Bloody brilliant, sounds like a proper Saturday night on Soi Buakhao, and a bit of a mouthful for a pissed Farang.
134 92 / 100 92
4
🐲
BJ's Revenge !"£$%^&*() ℹ️ 👑 4 🏆 41
QA2
the Pattaya Turtle says: BJ's Revenge, eh? Sounds like a Tuesday morning after a full moon party, brilliant.
274 92 / 100 100
5
🦁
Cum Inside ℹ️ 🏆 31
David Sin City
the Pattaya Turtle says: Direct, filthy, and leaves nothing to the imagination, perfect for a good old Pattaya laugh.
250 92 / 100 137
6
🐯
Eat my Arse 100 Baht ℹ️ 🏆 32
Simply Red
the Pattaya Turtle says: Crude, direct, and sounds like a proper bargain. A drunk expat's dream, that.
142 92 / 100 80
7
✨
Hong Thong Phoey ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 40
TrickyDicky
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like 'Hong Thong Phwoar!', and that's the sound of a bloke's trousers hitting the deck.
234 92 / 100 55
8
✨
The Hair Bare There Bunch ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 40
TrickyDicky
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like 'hairy bare' and 'there bum', pure phonetic gold for a filthy laugh, brilliant.
213 92 / 100 34
9
🏆
P.Tizm BJ Competition Squad Gold ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 52
PattayaTizm Entertainment Holdings Ltd
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'P.Tizm BJ Competition Squad Gold' is a mouthful of pure, unadulterated filth. Gold for a reason, mate.
493 91 / 100 159
10
⚡
Free The Willy ℹ️ 🏆 25
yeahsure
the Pattaya Turtle says: A brilliant bit of innuendo, playing on that childhood classic with a naughty twist.
214 90 / 100 116
11
🍸
TuttySlutty ℹ️ 🏆 15
Taikon
the Pattaya Turtle says: Tutty Slutty, eh? Rolls off the tongue like a drunken confession. Phonetic gold, that.
204 90 / 100 22
12
🎲
100% Filipino Girlz ℹ️ 🏆 38
chinesefinanciallaundromat
the Pattaya Turtle says: Still got that dodgy documentary vibe, a real giggle for anyone who's had a few too many Singhas.
415 88 / 100 87
13
🍸
3500 Baht Barfine Bar ℹ️ 🏆 39
YouTubeCelebrityGroup
the Pattaya Turtle says: Pure Pattaya gold, straight to the point, no faffing about, you know what you're paying for.
629 88 / 100 82
14
🌺
Kotzhöhle ℹ️ 🏆 30
germanperversions
the Pattaya Turtle says: German for 'Puke Cave', now that's a proper place for a drunk expat, straight to the point.
342 88 / 100 35
15
💎
No, No, No Bar ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 32
Pakkad
the Pattaya Turtle says: Ha, like the sound your liver makes after a week on Soi Buakhao, or a lady when you try for a second short time.
193 88 / 100 22
16
💎
Pattaya Playpen 1 ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 34
Pakkad
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Pattaya Playpen 1'. A playpen, you say? For grown-ups? Naughty, very naughty. I like it.
264 88 / 100 22
17
🍸
Sticky Fingers ℹ️ 🏆 33
tangy
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sticky Fingers, eh? Sounds like a good night out. Filthy, simple, and gets a proper chuckle.
321 88 / 100 83
18
🐯
The Pink Panther ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 35
DiscoStu
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a fanny, especially after a few buckets, lovely stuff.
410 88 / 100 44
19
🔥
the pink steam boat 2 ℹ️ 🏆 21
salgar3176
the Pattaya Turtle says: The pink steam boat? Sounds like a prolapsed arsehole on a pleasure cruise, good for a drunken cackle.
131 87 / 100 85
20
🐯
Balti's Big Top Circus ℹ️ 🏆 26
Balti
the Pattaya Turtle says: Balti's Big Top Circus. Big Top sounds like a right old wobbly knob, and it rhymes too. Excellent.
212 85 / 100 148
21
✨
Highest and Rolliest ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 41
Suunshiiiine
the Pattaya Turtle says: A proper phonetic treat, the kind of rhyming nonsense that tickles a drunk's brain.
226 82 / 100 44
22
🎵
Walk on Bi ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 41
TrickyDicky
the Pattaya Turtle says: Classic bit of phonetic naughtiness, you'll be hearing that one slurred at 3 AM.
275 82 / 100 60
23
💎
Same Same Bar ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 33
Pakkad
the Pattaya Turtle says: Classic Thai phrase, 'Same Same', but for a bar it implies everything's a bit... interchangeable, if you catch my drift.
182 78 / 100 22
24
🐯
The Lairy Leopard ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 41
DiscoStu
the Pattaya Turtle says: Got a bit of character, 'lairy' is a good start, but where's the rude bit, eh?
229 72 / 100 53
25
💎
Up To You Ka Bar ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 30
Pakkad
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like an enthusiastic ladyboy, 'Up to you, ka!' It's got some local flavour and a cheeky wink.
194 68 / 100 22
26
🐍
Dirty Trixs ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 51
TrickyDicky
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Dirty Trixs' , a decent bit of innuendo, makes you wonder what tricks they're up to.
589 65 / 100 148
27
✨
SangSom Special ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 41
Suunshiiiine
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like an offer for a cheap drink and a good time, might get a chuckle from the old boys.
324 65 / 100 62
28
🐲
The Dark Side Bar ℹ️ 🏆 12
JadeTyphoon210
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit obvious, like a teenager's first wank, but 'The Dark Side' has potential for a bit of cheeky grimness.
221 65 / 100 7
29
🐯
The Kinky Tigger ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 40
DiscoStu
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit of a clever pun, but it takes a second to land. Not as instantly crude as a good body part joke.
267 62 / 100 59
30
🍸
Goblin's Revenge IV ℹ️ 🏆 36
goblinsrevenge
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Goblin's Revenge' is a bit too D&D for a proper pub laugh, but 'IV' adds a touch of daftness.
383 55 / 100 87
31
💎
Guilty As Charged ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 31
Pakkad
the Pattaya Turtle says: Alright, it's a bit clever, like you've been caught doing something you shouldn't. Not bad.
241 55 / 100 22
32
🎵
Peaches ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 38
TrickyDicky
275 55 / 100 36
33
🦁
She Bites Bar ℹ️ 🏆 30
xrayz
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'She Bites Bar', a bit of a warning, eh? Probably accurate given the price of a bar fine.
196 55 / 100 159
34
🍸
Backbenchers ℹ️ 🏆 19
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: Clever, but needs a moment for the penny to drop. And it's not a rude penny, is it?
160 48 / 100 66
35
🌙
Last Orders Never ℹ️ 🏆 13
lmfao123
the Pattaya Turtle says: Last Orders Never, it's a bit of a cliché, innit, like a worn-out old rubber.
237 48 / 100 10
36
🍻
Catalyst ℹ️ 🏆 21
james555
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a bloody science experiment or some wanky corporate retreat, not a place for a proper piss-up.
287 30 / 100 10
37
✨
SangSom Supernova ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 44
Suunshiiiine
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a cheap Bangkok nightclub, not a Pattaya dive bar. No laughs here, mate.
319 28 / 100 45
38
🦁
The Lonely Lion ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 35
DiscoStu
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit mopey, not much of a laugh for a pissed bloke on Soi Buakhao.
242 28 / 100 44
39
🐯
Crazy bar ℹ️ 🏆 38
Krister
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Crazy' is about as generic as a dodgy kebab after a night on the tiles, mate. Zero laughs, zero points.
242 25 / 100 115
40
🐲
Dragon Night ℹ️ 🏆 12
Cheeriolyte
the Pattaya Turtle says: Dragon Night, eh? Is it a bloody fancy restaurant or a place where you can get a good shag? Too vague.
103 25 / 100 10
41
🔥
Pauly D Plus ℹ️ 🏆 26
Pauly D
the Pattaya Turtle says: Pauly D? Is this a Jersey Shore tribute act? No thanks, mate.
159 22 / 100 19
42
✨
SangSom Blue ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 40
Suunshiiiine
the Pattaya Turtle says: More like SangSom Bloo-dy Awful. Generic and boring, not a sniff of a joke.
193 22 / 100 35
43
💎
Emerald Chai ℹ️ 🏆 24
SeanB
the Pattaya Turtle says: Emerald Chai. Sounds like somewhere you'd get a cup of tea, not a slap and tickle. Far too polite, mate.
127 18 / 100 5
44
🍸
147 club ℹ️ 🏆 25
Rene147
the Pattaya Turtle says: Just a number, innit? Might as well be 'Bar Toilet One'.
162 15 / 100 124
45
🌴
Axle8 ℹ️ 🏆 23
Axle8
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a bloody car part, not a place you'd go for a swift half or a short time.
138 15 / 100 153
46
🦁
Meeting Paradise ℹ️ 🏆 6
jjjjjjjaaaaaaajjjjjjj
the Pattaya Turtle says: Boring as watching paint dry, sounds like a hotel lobby where dreams go to die.
100 15 / 100 3
47
🍺
Pauly D ℹ️ 🏆 35
Pauly D
the Pattaya Turtle says: Who's Pauly D, sounds like a dodgy DJ from Essex. No joke, no filth, just bland.
197 15 / 100 32
48
🍸
The Showcase Bar ℹ️ 🏆 17
PattayaShowcase
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'The Showcase Bar' sounds like a corporate exhibition, utterly devoid of any actual humour, snooze.
131 15 / 100 51
49
✨
The Tranquility of Solitude ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 27
Suunshiiiine
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a bloody spa retreat, not where you'd find a bloke trying to forget his missus.
130 10 / 100 6
50
🍻
Welcome Inn - Dud ℹ️ 👑 4 🏆 43
QA2
the Pattaya Turtle says: Welcome Inn, it's so bland it could be a motorway service station, absolutely no laughs here.
198 10 / 100 84
51
🍸
สไตล์ไทย ℹ️ 🏆 7
VelvetTiger858
the Pattaya Turtle says: Unless you're a bloody linguist, this is just gibberish mate. Zero laughs.
116 10 / 100 3
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