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48 / 619 bars
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Bars ranked by name. Gemini's verdict, 0 to 100. Subjective, by design.

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League: Premier Championship League One League Two National Sunday Closed 48 / 619
# Bar Best day?Highest single-day drinks total this bar has posted.📖 Learn more Funny Score?Primary ranking metric for this leaderboard view, switch tabs to sort by a different metric.📖 Learn more Trend?7-day sparkline of daily drink totals, rising line means momentum is building, falling means cooling off. Days
1
👑
Pink pussy ℹ️ 🏆 47 ⚔️ Worst Bar Ever
Don Charlie ▲ 2
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Pink pussy' is utterly explicit, no messing about. Gets full marks for being exactly what it says on the tin. Blimey.
359 98 / 100 97
2
🍻
The Big Dick Inn ℹ️ 🏆 54 ⚔️ Bilbo's Bench
Tonypy ▲ 2
the Pattaya Turtle says: Right, that's what we're after, a proper laugh, no messing about. Straight to the point.
396 98 / 100 136
3
🔥
The Cunning Stunts ℹ️ 🏆 48
Tonypy ▲ 2
the Pattaya Turtle says: The Cunning Stunts, a classic double entendre. Sounds innocent, but it's pure filth out loud. Brilliant.
339 98 / 100 100
4
🐯
Cupid Stunts ℹ️ 🏆 50
Tonypy ▲ 5
the Pattaya Turtle says: Cupid Stunts, a close second to Cunning Stunts. Still got that phonetic punch, love it.
389 96 / 100 100
5
🌴
Big Bush Bar ℹ️ 🏆 42
xrayz ▲ 5
the Pattaya Turtle says: Big Bush Bar, now that's a name that delivers, proper crude and gets a laugh.
501 95 / 100 136
6
🍸
The Twat Tavern ℹ️ 🏆 49
r1ch@rd ▲ 10
the Pattaya Turtle says: Bloody brilliant. Straight to the point, no messing about. Makes me want a pint and a punch-up.
429 95 / 100 82
7
🍸
100% Cambodian Girls🚪 SHUT ℹ️ 🏆 38
chinesefinanciallaundromat ▲ 12
the Pattaya Turtle says: Straight to the point, no faffing about. You know exactly what you're getting, like a proper good wank.
424 92 / 100 41
8
Black Star ℹ️ 🏆 35
Johnny ▲ 14
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like an arsehole, the kind you’d find after a dodgy curry and a few Changs. Crude and simple.
400 92 / 100 15
9
🍻
Die Abspritzfabrik ℹ️ 🏆 32
germanperversions ▲ 16
the Pattaya Turtle says: German for 'The Squirt Factory', now that's a name that screams happy endings and sticky floors.
388 92 / 100 47
10
🐲
Goblin's Revenge II ℹ️ 🏆 35
goblinsrevenge ▲ 19
the Pattaya Turtle says: Still sounds like a good time, this goblin has clearly been on the loose in Pattaya before.
676 92 / 100 43
11
💎
Jigga Boo's ℹ️ 🏆 36
Jerryx4 ▲ 21
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a dodgy fella trying to sell you a dodgy lapdance. Top shelf filth, that.
378 92 / 100 92
12
🍸
Big Ass Tittïes ( o )( o ) ℹ️ 🏆 32
Don Charlie ▲ 38
the Pattaya Turtle says: Visual, crude, and very much to the point, even if the emojis are a bit much. Gets the message across loud and clear.
261 89 / 100 13
13
👑
Farang Farewell ℹ️ 🏆 38
Dave69
the Pattaya Turtle says: Farang Farewell, now that's got a nice ring to it, like a final wank before the flight home.
408 88 / 100 76
14
🌴
Last Baht Standing ℹ️ 🏆 27
Dave69
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Last Baht Standing', sounds like a night out with your missus, brilliant, gets a good laugh from the drunks.
327 88 / 100 65
15
🌴
The Banana Garage ℹ️ 🏆 48
Tonypy
the Pattaya Turtle says: Banana Garage, eh? Plenty of room to park your yellow-tipped rocket in there. Filthy.
329 88 / 100 104
16
🌙
Tip Not Included ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 43
Thomas1
the Pattaya Turtle says: Tip Not Included, oh, that's just brilliant. Every expat's nightmare and a guaranteed laugh.
256 88 / 100 99
17
🎲
Dining at the Y ℹ️ 🏆 35
destitude
the Pattaya Turtle says: Dining at the Y, oh, very good. A classic for a reason. Imagine explaining that to your mum.
440 85 / 100 93
18
🌺
The Moaner Lisa ℹ️ 🏆 26
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: A classic for a reason, you can just picture the punters trying to say that after a few Changs, brilliant.
177 78 / 100 45
19
🍸
the pink steam boat ℹ️ 🏆 34
salgar3176
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'the pink steam boat'. Ooh, a pink steamboat, eh? Sounds like a delightful trip on the old Hershey Highway.
247 78 / 100 85
20
🍸
The Pour Decision ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 42
Thomas1
the Pattaya Turtle says: The Pour Decision, a solid pun, makes you groan and laugh at the same time, like a good hangover.
290 78 / 100 99
21
🍺
The Drunken Buffalo ℹ️ 🏆 36
Sagu
the Pattaya Turtle says: Drunken Buffalo, sounds like something I'd wake up next to after a particularly rough night, decent.
261 68 / 100 94
22
The Rowdy Roo ℹ️ 🏆 36
MattHam
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a drunken fight club, not quite a full-on laugh but a good chuckle for a pissed expat.
431 68 / 100 92
23
🌺
I take care you ℹ️ 🏆 29
prowlah
the Pattaya Turtle says: I take care you, classic Pattaya broken English, has a certain grubby charm to it.
575 65 / 100 14
24
🔥
Inyourendo ℹ️ 🏆 21
Merm
the Pattaya Turtle says: Oh, 'Innuendo', very clever, but it's not a rude body part or a proper filth pun, is it?
315 65 / 100 26
25
🌙
Round The World Bar ℹ️ 🏆 29
Dave69
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Round The World Bar', alright, a bit of a chuckle for the seasoned punter, implies a good time if you catch my drift.
313 65 / 100 65
26
🐲
Drunken Dragon ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 44
Thomas1
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Drunken Dragon' is a decent image, but it's more fantasy than filth, just misses the top tier.
455 62 / 100 105
27
Dragonfruit Disco ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 43
Thomas1
the Pattaya Turtle says: Dragonfruit Disco. A bit exotic and silly, but it needs a proper rude pun to score higher.
341 60 / 100 103
28
🌙
Full Moon ℹ️ 🏆 37
Sagu
the Pattaya Turtle says: Full Moon, decent double entendre, could mean a lot of things, none of them bad if you're a pervert.
351 55 / 100 100
29
🎲
Worst Bar Ever ℹ️ 👑 2 🏆 61
QA2
the Pattaya Turtle says: Self-deprecating humour, decent enough, but doesn't quite hit the filthy heights.
480 55 / 100 128
30
Sangsom Supernova ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 40
Suunshiiiine
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a cheap firework display after too much Sangsom. Decent but no body parts, no rhyme.
471 45 / 100 17
31
🍻
Tam Amarai B!±¢Π€§💥 ℹ️ 🏆 39
Don Charlie
the Pattaya Turtle says: What in the flying fuck is that, looks like a cat fell on the keyboard. Not much of a laugh.
290 45 / 100 37
32
🌙
The Darkside Bar ℹ️ 🏆 37
Sagu
the Pattaya Turtle says: The Darkside Bar. Trying a bit too hard to be edgy, ends up just being a bit dull.
432 45 / 100 103
33
🏆
The Unredeemable Beercard ℹ️ 🏆 31
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: Too long mate, and a bit too clever, drunk expats just want a quick laugh not a bloody riddle.
291 42 / 100 47
34
🍻
Happy Hour Forever ℹ️ 🏆 37
Sagu
256 40 / 100 98
35
🌴
TROPICAL DAZE ℹ️ 🏆 46
mcc66
the Pattaya Turtle says: Bit bland, sounds more like a holiday brochure than a place for a good knees-up.
436 40 / 100 136
36
Where you goooo! ℹ️ 🏆 34
prowlah
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit daft, like a drunk fella trying to remember where he lives. Could be worse, could be 'Heaven XOXO'.
439 40 / 100 25
37
🍸
Crimsom Cats ℹ️ 🏆 29
JesterRaceDC
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit dull, mate. Sounds like a brand of cat food, not somewhere you'd find a sticky carpet.
328 35 / 100 45
38
🏆
Fruit Fizz ℹ️ 🏆 34
Sagu
the Pattaya Turtle says: Bit bland, sounds like a fruity drink, not a place for a proper piss-up and a poke.
142 35 / 100 83
39
🌴
TROPICAL NIGHTS ℹ️ 🏆 28
mcc66
the Pattaya Turtle says: Tropical Nights, eh? Bit bland, isn't it? Just screams 'tourist trap that plays reggae'.
218 35 / 100 76
40
🍻
Chang Garden ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 40
Thomas1
the Pattaya Turtle says: Just a beer and a plant. Not a bad place to get a pint, but where's the joke, eh?
261 30 / 100 100
41
Holier and Righter ℹ️ 🏆 28
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: Too much like a bloody church fete, not a bar. Sounds like somewhere you'd get tea and biscuits.
244 18 / 100 46
42
🍸
Koh Larn Karma ℹ️ 🏆 26
Dave69
181 15 / 100 65
43
Pink Angels ℹ️ 🏆 45
keepitshort
the Pattaya Turtle says: Pink Angels, sounds like a bloody greeting card, utterly saccharine and boring.
399 15 / 100 128
44
🏆
T's Bar ℹ️ 🏆 31
Tanon
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'T's Bar'. Is 'T' short for 'Terribly dull' or 'Totally shite'?
261 15 / 100 58
45
🌴
TROPICAL PARADISE ℹ️ 🏆 26
mcc66
the Pattaya Turtle says: Generic holiday brochure shite, couldn't be more boring if it tried to sell you insurance.
245 15 / 100 60
46
🍸
BBQ'S Bar ℹ️ 🏆 38
BBQ2026
the Pattaya Turtle says: BBQ'S Bar, sounds like a backyard grill, not a place to get hammered and laugh.
350 10 / 100 127
47
🍸
Yo Place ℹ️ 🏆 34
Teltwat
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Yo Place'? Are we in a bloody rap video now? Get out.
269 10 / 100 114
48
Side Soi Stunners Phra Tamnak ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 49
PattayaTizm Entertainment Holdings Ltd ▼ 4
628 unscored 118
🔔 Most bell rings this week
#1 Fruit Fizz 🔔 6
#2 Tip Not Included 🔔 5
#3 Koh Larn Karma 🔔 4
#4 Sangsom Sunday 🔔 4
#5 Thaiger Thaiger 🔔 3