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37 / 696 bars
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Leaderboard

Bars ranked by name. Gemini's verdict, 0 to 100. Subjective, by design.

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League: Premier Championship League One League Two National Sunday Closed 37 / 696
# Bar Best day?Highest single-day drinks total this bar has posted.📖 Learn more Funny Score?Primary ranking metric for this leaderboard view, switch tabs to sort by a different metric.📖 Learn more Trend?7-day sparkline of daily drink totals, rising line means momentum is building, falling means cooling off. Days
1
🍻
The Big Dick Inn ℹ️ 🏆 57 ⚔️ Bilbo's Bench
Tonypy
the Pattaya Turtle says: Right, that's what we're after, a proper laugh, no messing about. Straight to the point.
396 98 / 100 182
2
🔥
The Cunning Stunts ℹ️ 🏆 50
Tonypy
the Pattaya Turtle says: The Cunning Stunts, a classic double entendre. Sounds innocent, but it's pure filth out loud. Brilliant.
339 98 / 100 146
3
🐯
Cupid Stunts ℹ️ 🏆 54
Tonypy
the Pattaya Turtle says: Cupid Stunts, a close second to Cunning Stunts. Still got that phonetic punch, love it.
389 96 / 100 146
4
💎
Balls Deep Sado Masters ℹ️ 🏆 25
Shandokan 71
the Pattaya Turtle says: Now that's a name to make a drunk expat chuckle, proper dirty and to the point.
324 95 / 100 3
5
🌴
Big Bush Bar ℹ️ 🏆 46
xrayz
the Pattaya Turtle says: Big Bush Bar, now that's a name that delivers, proper crude and gets a laugh.
501 95 / 100 182
6
🍸
The Twat Tavern ℹ️ 🏆 54
r1ch@rd
the Pattaya Turtle says: Bloody brilliant. Straight to the point, no messing about. Makes me want a pint and a punch-up.
649 95 / 100 128
7
🍸
100% Cambodian Girls ℹ️ 🏆 43
chinesefinanciallaundromat
the Pattaya Turtle says: Straight to the point, no faffing about. You know exactly what you're getting, like a proper good wank.
777 92 / 100 87
8
🌺
Boom Boom Ka ℹ️ 🏆 34
C
the Pattaya Turtle says: Boom Boom, eh? Sounds like a good night out down Soi LK Metro, doesn't it? Top marks.
336 92 / 100 41
9
🍻
Die Abspritzfabrik ℹ️ 🏆 39
germanperversions
the Pattaya Turtle says: German for 'The Squirt Factory', now that's a name that screams happy endings and sticky floors.
462 92 / 100 93
10
🐲
Goblin's Revenge II ℹ️ 🏆 38
goblinsrevenge
the Pattaya Turtle says: Still sounds like a good time, this goblin has clearly been on the loose in Pattaya before.
676 92 / 100 89
11
🐯
Hard Ass Cafe ℹ️ 🏆 38
Bugaloo
the Pattaya Turtle says: Hard Ass Cafe, you say? A perfect spot for a few rounds of 'ring sting roulette', innit?
286 92 / 100 39
12
⚡
Maggie Moans ℹ️ 🏆 40
Shandokan 71
the Pattaya Turtle says: Maggie Moans, sounds like a proper filthy old tart, and the rhyme's top-notch.
322 92 / 100 18
13
💎
The Swedish Meatball Club ℹ️ 🏆 27
Charkel
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'The Swedish Meatball Club' , brilliant! I bet they’ve got plenty of gravy for dipping your… well, you know.
375 90 / 100 28
14
🌴
The Banana Garage ℹ️ 🏆 50
Tonypy
the Pattaya Turtle says: Banana Garage, eh? Plenty of room to park your yellow-tipped rocket in there. Filthy.
329 88 / 100 150
15
🍸
Kakaobunker ℹ️ 🏆 38
germanperversions
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Kakaobunker' sounds like a German arsehole, which is always good for a giggle when you're bladdered.
369 80 / 100 87
16
🦁
The Joint ℹ️ 🏆 25
Mike
the Pattaya Turtle says: A classic bit of innuendo, every bloke in the bar knows what 'the joint' is, eh lads?
275 78 / 100 93
17
🌺
The Moaner Lisa ℹ️ 🏆 32
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: A classic for a reason, you can just picture the punters trying to say that after a few Changs, brilliant.
194 78 / 100 91
18
🍸
the pink steam boat ℹ️ 🏆 38
salgar3176
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'the pink steam boat'. Ooh, a pink steamboat, eh? Sounds like a delightful trip on the old Hershey Highway.
247 78 / 100 131
19
⚡
Thai me up ℹ️ 🏆 23
Shandokan 71
358 75 / 100 3
20
🍸
Hard Sex Cafe ℹ️ 🏆 31
Bugaloo
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit on the nose, mate. Like a fanny fart, you know what’s coming but it’s still a bit much.
432 68 / 100 20
21
✨
Side Soi Stunners Phra Tamnak ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 54
PattayaTizm Entertainment Holdings Ltd
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit of alliteration, but 'Phra Tamnak' sounds like a medical condition, not a laugh.
886 65 / 100 164
22
🐲
The Bearded Dragon ℹ️ 🏆 32
Noony
the Pattaya Turtle says: Bearded Dragon, sounds like a bit of a scaly fanny, doesn't it? Decent, but not a belly laugh.
595 55 / 100 36
23
🍸
Isaan Lovers ℹ️ 🏆 30
Charkel
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Isaan Lovers'. A bit too… earnest, innit? Sounds like a dating site, not a place for a good old-fashioned knees-up.
305 45 / 100 28
24
🏆
The Unredeemable Beercard ℹ️ 🏆 36
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: Too long mate, and a bit too clever, drunk expats just want a quick laugh not a bloody riddle.
304 42 / 100 93
25
🌴
TROPICAL DAZE ℹ️ 🏆 50
mcc66
the Pattaya Turtle says: Bit bland, sounds more like a holiday brochure than a place for a good knees-up.
436 40 / 100 182
26
🍸
Crimsom Cats ℹ️ 🏆 33
JesterRaceDC
the Pattaya Turtle says: A bit dull, mate. Sounds like a brand of cat food, not somewhere you'd find a sticky carpet.
413 35 / 100 91
27
🌴
TROPICAL NIGHTS ℹ️ 🏆 33
mcc66
the Pattaya Turtle says: Tropical Nights, eh? Bit bland, isn't it? Just screams 'tourist trap that plays reggae'.
245 35 / 100 122
28
🐍
Emerald Tuk Tuk ℹ️ 🏆 36
SeanB
the Pattaya Turtle says: Emerald Tuk Tuk, a bit like a gemstone dildo, sounds a bit too classy for a proper piss-up.
311 25 / 100 37
29
🌴
Metamorphosis ℹ️ 🏆 42 ⚔️ Goblin's Revenge III
Punch Muffin
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like a sixth-form biology project, not a place you'd want to get pissed and regret your life choices.
504 25 / 100 42
30
✨
Holier and Righter ℹ️ 🏆 33
Adam
the Pattaya Turtle says: Too much like a bloody church fete, not a bar. Sounds like somewhere you'd get tea and biscuits.
244 18 / 100 92
31
🎵
35 Virtual Ladydrinks Livestream Bar ℹ️ 🏆 38
YouTubeCelebrityGroup
the Pattaya Turtle says: Sounds like an IT support call center, not a place you'd expect a happy ending, or even a happy beginning.
883 15 / 100 82
32
🍸
Champions Bar & Grill ℹ️ 👑 5 🏆 61
TrickyDicky
the Pattaya Turtle says: Champions? What, like the lads who lost their wallets and got a dose of the clap? No laughs here mate.
827 15 / 100 132
33
✨
Pink Angels ℹ️ 🏆 48
keepitshort
the Pattaya Turtle says: Pink Angels, sounds like a bloody greeting card, utterly saccharine and boring.
399 15 / 100 174
34
🌴
TROPICAL PARADISE ℹ️ 🏆 32
mcc66
the Pattaya Turtle says: Generic holiday brochure shite, couldn't be more boring if it tried to sell you insurance.
308 15 / 100 106
35
🏆
T's Bar ℹ️ 🏆 36
Tanon
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'T's Bar'. Is 'T' short for 'Terribly dull' or 'Totally shite'?
273 15 / 100 104
36
🍸
BBQ'S Bar ℹ️ 🏆 39
BBQ2026
the Pattaya Turtle says: BBQ'S Bar, sounds like a backyard grill, not a place to get hammered and laugh.
350 10 / 100 170
37
🍸
Yo Place ℹ️ 🏆 35
Teltwat
the Pattaya Turtle says: 'Yo Place'? Are we in a bloody rap video now? Get out.
399 10 / 100 160
🔔 Most bell rings this week
#1 Fruit Fizz 🔔 6
#2 Folterkeller 🔔 6
#3 35 Virtual Ladydrinks Livestream Bar 🔔 6
#4 100% Laos Girlz 🔔 6
#5 Goblin's Revenge VI 🔔 5